A reminder to myself

Question: Does everyone go through some or other (supposedly life-changing) crisis where they question every single thing in their life at that stage? Has it happened to you? Cause that’s what’s up with me right now.

Sadly, ‘where’, ‘what’, ‘why’, ‘who’, ‘when’ is pretty much all I think of . It is EXHAUSTING.

Some days are great, while others are crap as hell.

One minute I have it all figured out, the next I’m sitting on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth cos I can’t decide what pizza I want.

I don’t know if it’s just a ‘thing’, but I can’t snap out of it. I’ve been submersing myself in the idea of ‘do what you love cos life is too short’. I guess I’m just really scared that I’ll never get the chance to experience that. To not feel like you’re going to work in the morning. Living your dream, you know.

I had to grow up quite quickly. I lost my mom at age 14 and kind of had to fend for myself from there on; always doing what had to be done instead of doing what I wanted to do. I didn’t have the typical teenager upbringing – I was exposed to and had to deal with so much grown-up shit instead.

I am grateful for every single lesson I have learnt through those experiences because it made me who I am and it made me appreciate life, freedom and independence so much more, but I think it instilled in me a belief/habit of doing what has to be done instead of doing what I want to do.

I’m trying to snap out of that mindset. It’s 2013. What we used to believe; staying with the same company for 20 years, doing any work because work is work and money is needed – that’s all gone. And I’m so glad it is. We can now take chances and make career moves, start our own companies, enjoy what we do daily. But it’s also really difficult if you’ve been brought up with the mindset of not taking chances.

It’s something only I can change. And I know that.

I keep saying this to my friends and colleagues: Life is so incredibly short and underrated. The life you have now; do you know how privileged you are? There is no time to waste on things that you don’t enjoy, that don’t make you happy, that draws the worst out of you. There is no time to be unhappy. People will remember you for it – for being unhappy. There’s no time or space for negativity cos regardless of what you may feel is wrong with your life, there is so much that is good and right and you have to keep focusing on and appreciate that.

One has to have goals and dreams – they will push you, drive you and inspire you to work hard to make them happen. But you also have to be living some of those dreams. Chasing dreams for the rest of you life is not living. Living is living.

I guess at the end of the day it’s all about going for what you want and more importantly, knowing that you are good enough/worth having what you want and living your dreams.

At this stage, there’s one word to describe what I think the next step in figuring it all out for me would be: