Let’s get a little personal
I’m sitting here listening to No Doubt – Don’t Speak, yet something tells me that I should.
Speak, that is.
I’ve been contemplating writing a personal post for a few weeks now. I have a lot going on and I feel like somehow, if I write about it, it might make it easier to deal with. I apologize in advance if this doesn’t make sense. I’m just writing as I go. I didn’t plan this post, so I am just going to go where my mind takes me. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time – just sit and write and ‘let go’. I am OCD, so I am meticulous when it comes to how I write: the format and order of the things I write about. It’s very frustrating.
Anyway, I read this post and it inspired me to be more open, even just for this one post. I relate to this blog post a lot – there is something missing in my life.
“Right now, without getting in to detail – I haven’t been myself. I’m not particularly happy or exceptionally sad, I’m just… neutral, but unsatisfied. That’s the word I’m after… Unsatisfied. I have so much (everything) to be grateful for, but there’s an itchy bit somewhere that I need to scratch.”
I find myself in this exact position, and without going into too much detail (I would never want to bore you with my personal problems), I’d like to… let you in… on a few thoughts I’ve been having/things I’ve been experiencing recently. I’m just going to write it out, so excuse me if I trial off a few times.
Depression is a real thing. I’ve been depressed before (in my teen years) – it took quite a bit to snap out of it. I never thought I would experience it in my young-adult life. Yet, here I am, depressed. I have so much to be thankful for. And I remind myself every single day; every waking hour, of how fortunate and lucky I am. I know that one’s attitude and mindset is the most important thing. I know that you choose to be happy – you choose what you feel, and you choose how people make you feel (does this even make sense?). I have a tattoo that says “Stay humble, stay true”, yet I let people, their beliefs, their experiences push me off-course; influence me up until the point where I literally cry every single day for the silliest of reasons. I know what I am feeling is, unjust (?). I know I can change how I feel. But it’s just not that easy, unfortunately.
I’ve been asking myself a string of serious questions over the last few months. Like, adult questions (when did I grow up even?) Am I on the right course with my life. Am I in the right field, career-wise. Why did I never do this or that. Am I prepared to let my dreams pass me by because I’m too tired to make them work. Why does no-one see myself like I see myself (or used to see myself). Why this, why that. It’s been really difficult asking myself these questions on a daily basis; doubting myself, my skills, my talents, my abilities, my personality, what I thought I wanted out of life. Losing confidence in yourself is one of the most dangerous things in life. The most difficult thing is that I keep asking myself if I am a good (enough?) person. If my heart is in the right place. If I am making the people around me happy. If I will one day leave them with only good, kind memories. If they will remember me as someone who was always there, always kind, always listening, supporting. That is my life goal: to be good. To make the people around me happy. To make them smile and help them in tough (and easy) times. Yet I feel more and more that I am failing in this. I spend so much time asking these silly questions that I start to feel guilty because I believe that I am neglecting the people around me (and their needs). So with all this, I have started seeing a counselor. I’d be lying if I said I’m already feeling better (I’ve only been for two sessions, though). It depends on the day, I guess. Some days I feel super positive and ready to tackle anything that gets thrown my way and I wonder why I ever went to see someone in the first place, and then other days I literally dread getting out of bed and wonder why I hadn’t gone to see someone sooner.
On top of feeling all this, I feel alone. I have my super-awesome fiance. I have my sister. And my two best friends. Yet I still feel that they don’t really get it. Plus, I don’t want to bore them with my problems. So I hide it. I comfort myself with the fact that I am anemic too. That supposedly makes you feel very tired. So when I am thinking about my dreams and goals and things I want to achieve, and I don’t feel excited and enthusiastic, I blame it on anemia.
I have this void inside of me. Something is missing. I am doing good in my career; I am learning new things daily. I get to do what I love (the internet, basically), but I can’t help but ask myself ‘what happened to your dream of working with animals?’ ‘What happened to your dream of one day working as a forensic detective?’ ‘What happened to your passion for martial arts, and drawing, and reading, and being interested in what is happening around you?’ Thing is, I don’t know. At this stage, I am really scared of what lies ahead, but also excited because I kind of know that it will be good, and it will be what it should be. I guess I’m just missing that little girl playing in the garden with a head full of dreams and all the power, motivation and excitement to make them work. I miss the person i used to be when my mom was around, because she had so much faith in me. She believed that I could be anything I wanted to be in life, without even having to say it. She made me feel proud of myself. Of being who I was. And I have to ask myself if she would be just as proud today as she was back then, if she was still here.
I become so confused and trapped in my own mind because I am having all of these negative thoughts, but then I have great. amazing days where I just want to work hard and achieve something – do something great. I go into this mushy thoughts phase – I think I’m just trying to figure it all out and make the path a little straighter. One day I’ll be thinking about sleeping (really, that is what is on my mind most of the time when I am feeling like this) and then I have days when I experience a little bit of that ‘I’m proud of you’ feeling. And then I just want to change the world. I just want to be good.
This is a little note I wrote and stored on my phone during one of these mushy thought sessions:
I realize more and more that, while wanting to be unique and different and in the pursuit of that, we all kind of end up the same. I’ve realized that there really is only one way to be unique and different, and that is to just be yourself. Because nowhere in the world will there ever be anyone like you. There might be people similar to you; people who share interests with you and with the same personality traits you have, but no one will ever be exactly like you. And in your pursuit to finding your uniqueness and individuality, remember this: just be yourself.
For now, that is the only answer I have to everything that is going on. That is one of the most important things for me. That, and to be a good person.
I hope you don’t think I’m crazy – I’ll stick to the good ‘ol journal and ink me thinks.
As for the feelings I’m not sure how to put in words, here are a few images/quotes that portray what them: